Perfectionism Is Not a Personality Trait—It’s a Survival Strategy (And It’s Costing You More Than You Think)

You’ve tried the productivity hacks.

You’ve bought the planners.

You’ve even taken time management courses you can barely remember now.

But despite all of it, you still feel like you’re failing—because your bar keeps moving. And the pressure to keep up hasn’t let up, especially now.

Here’s the truth: perfectionism isn’t a quirk or a high standard. It’s an identity-level coping strategy, reinforced over time by achievement, trauma, and survival instincts.

For high-performing professionals navigating divorce, grief, burnout, or job upheaval, it’s not just unsustainable—it’s dangerous.

I say this not just as a leadership coach, but as a woman who’s had the rug pulled out from under her—more than once.

So, here's what I’ve learned in two decades of healing my own perfectionistic tendencies and coaching high achievers:

Perfectionism is how we try to control what we can’t bear to feel.

It shows up when identity is shaken, visibility feels risky, or our sense of worth

is tied to holding everything (and everyone) together.

The real work isn’t about lowering your standards.

It’s about freeing yourself from the impossible ones.

Let’s start with what perfectionism actually is—and why it shows up so strongly when your world is falling apart.

What Is Perfectionism—And Why Do High Achievers Struggle With It?

Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a drive for excellence. But in reality, it’s a nervous system response—a way to secure safety, connection, and control through performance.

It’s no surprise, then, that high achievers are especially prone to it.

Many of my clients—CEOs, attorneys, physicians, entrepreneurs—operate with what researcher Dr. Laura Empson calls insecure overachievement. They excel outwardly but fear being “found out” as not enough.

Perfectionism becomes their shield against that fear.

And it gets especially loud in times of transition.

Here’s what perfectionism can actually be a symptom of:

• Fear of inadequacy or lacking depth

• Emotional bracing against future failure or past regret

• Identity confusion after personal loss, divorce, or job restructuring

• A nervous system constantly scanning for rejection or danger

In other words: it’s not a character flaw. It’s a survival trait you developed to keep you safe.

But now, in the face of burnout or change, it’s burning through your energy—and blocking your ability to heal.

The good news?

Once you recognize it for what it is, you can start to retrain your response—and reclaim your energy for what truly matters.

Why Perfectionism Feels Safer (But Isn’t Actually Helping You Cope)

If you’re like most high achievers I work with, perfectionism didn’t start as a problem.

It started as a protective pattern.

It made you reliable. Thorough. High-performing. Capable under pressure.

It earned you promotions, praise, and maybe even a reputation as the one who could always be counted on.

But here’s what no one tells you:

Perfectionism becomes a prison when life stops cooperating with your plan.

I learned this the hard way—standing in front of a leadership team after the death of my mother, holding together a multi-team restructure I didn’t ask for, all while quietly breaking inside. On paper, I was still performing, but, under the surface, I was unraveling.

And that’s what I see over and over again with my clients:

• The partner in a firm who’s navigating divorce and honesty in the workplace.

• The recently laid off VP who's asking herself, “Who am I now?What could I have done to avoid this?”

• The business owner who lost a major client and longterm love relationship who can't let her peers see how exhausted she really is.

Each of them carries the same invisible weight: A belief that if they’re not perfect, they won’t be safe. Or seen. Or needed.

It’s a powerful illusion—and an exhausting one.

Perfectionism makes us believe we’re in control.

But what it’s really doing is keeping us in performance mode, when what we really need is repair.

What I’ve learned after two decades of coaching (and several life-altering rug-pulls of my own) is this:

Perfectionism feels like safety because it numbs uncertainty.

But it also numbs intuition, compassion, and clarity—three things you desperately need when life unravels.

There’s nothing wrong with your drive.

There’s nothing wrong with your ambition.

But if perfectionism is keeping you from asking for help, telling the truth, or taking care of yourself…

…it’s not protecting you.

It’s isolating you.

And there’s a better way forward.

The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism in Times of Crisis

On a normal day, perfectionism for leaders can be exhausting.

In a season of upheaval—grief, divorce, burnout, identity crisis—it can become dangerous.

Because when your world is shaking, leadership does not pause, and perfectionism doesn’t step aside.

It doubles down.

It tells you:

• “Keep it together.”

• “Don’t let them see you struggle.”

• “You’ll be safe again once you prove you’re still strong, still sharp, still in control.”

And suddenly, you're managing pressure instead of processing pain.

You're white-knuckling through your responsibilities while ignoring the fact that your body hasn’t exhaled in weeks.

This is the hidden cost of perfectionism: it hijacks your nervous system in the very moments you most need to restore it.

I’ve watched perfectionism drive brilliant leaders into panic attacks, autoimmune flare-ups, and paralyzing indecision.

Not because they were weak—but because their nervous systems were tapped out from performing through pain.

And the worst part?

No one sees it—because from the outside, you still “look fine.”

Inside, though, you may feel:

• Chronically on edge, even when nothing’s wrong

• Numb, checked out, or detached from your own accomplishments

• Hyper-competent but unable to rest unless everything is done (and it never is)

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s your nervous system bracing. And it’s exactly where emotional resilience begins—not by doing more, but by allowing more.

So, if no one has said this to you yet, let me be the one:

You don’t have to earn your rest.

You don’t have to hold it all together to protect your image—and you don’t have to hide the struggle to stay respected.

In my coaching practice, this is where we begin.

Not with more productivity.

Not with “optimizing your mindset.”

But with the radical decision to stop forcing and start allowing.

Why do I say this?

Because high-achieving professionals often approach even healing the same way they approach work:

With pressure, structure, and an unspoken need to “get it right.”

They meditate to be good at meditating.

They journal like it’s a checklist.

They go to therapy but still filter their truth.

They try to heal without ever really softening.

They’re doing all the right things—but never actually exhale.

I know because I've done these very same things too! I've worked my own healing journey like a full time job.

But true healing begins when you stop trying to get it right—and start allowing yourself to feel what’s real.

The nice thing? With integrative practices that constitute the right support—through Energy Medicine and Energy Psychology—it’s often easier than you think.

Perfectionism in Disguise: When It’s Actually Anxiety, ADHD, or Trauma

Perfectionism doesn’t always walk in the front door.

Sometimes it shows up dressed as:

• Anxiety that keeps you triple-checking or mentally rehearsing everything

• Procrastination masked as “I just need more time to get it right”

• Rage at yourself for missing a detail no one else noticed

• Shutting down the moment you feel misunderstood or overwhelmed (because being imperfect means rejection in your mind)

And it’s easy to label all of that “just perfectionism.”

But in truth, what many high performers experience as perfectionism is often a secondary response—a coping strategy layered on top of something deeper.

Sometimes it’s:

• Anxiety: Your nervous system is stuck in hypervigilance, and perfectionism is how you try to regain control.

• ADHD: You’ve struggled with focus or executive function for years, so over-preparing becomes your way of compensating.

• Trauma: Your body learned early on that “being perfect” was the only way to avoid punishment, disapproval, or loss.

I’m not here to diagnose you—I’m not a therapist.

But I am here to help you reclaim your energy and identity from strategies that no longer serve.

Because if you're holding yourself to impossible standards and wondering why you're still not at peace...

That’s not a failure of willpower.

That’s a sign your inner system is misfiring from years of bracing.

Perfectionism is often the armor we put on when we don’t feel safe being ourselves.

And when life throws you into transition—when your title changes, your role eliminated, your relationships rupture—that armor starts to crack.

That’s not a crisis.

That’s an invitation.

In my coaching, we use nervous system tools and strategic identity work to peel back the armor and get to the real you underneath—so you can stop proving and start living again.

How to Let Go of Perfectionism (Without Losing Your Edge)

If you’ve built your entire identity on being the reliable one, the top performer, the one who doesn’t drop the ball—then the idea of “letting go of perfectionism” might feel… impossible. Or even dangerous.

I hear this all the time:

• "But if I stop holding myself to this standard, won’t everything fall apart?”

• “If I stop over-preparing, I’ll feel vulnerable/exposed.”

• "I wouldn’t even know who I am without it.”

This is where most advice on overcoming perfectionism falls flat.

You don’t need to be told to “just relax” or “let it go.”

You need to know:

• What to put in place of perfectionism

• How to stay grounded without needing to be flawless

• That you can still excel—without burning out

So let me offer you something different.

After hundreds of hours coaching high performers (and walking this path myself), I’ve found that three things must happen for real, sustainable change:

1. You must reconnect with your true energetic composition.

Not the role you play. Not the expectations projected onto you.

But who you actually are—how your energy is wired to operate, decide, and lead.

In my coaching, we do this through Human Design, which gives startlingly accurate insight into the pressures you’re most vulnerable to, and the alignment cues you've likely been ignoring.

2. You must regulate your nervous system—so you stop reacting from urgency.

Perfectionism thrives on urgency.

It hijacks your body’s stress response and convinces you that if you don’t get it just right, something bad will happen.

Using Energy Medicine and Energy Psychology, we calm this survival loop—so your system can finally feel safe enough to release the pattern.

3. You must reframe what success actually means—to you, now.

Not five years ago. Not to your boss, your partner, or your past self.

But to the version of you emerging after burnout, grief, or career change.

And here’s the part no one talks about:

You don’t lose your edge when you let go of perfectionism. You sharpen it.

Because you’re finally operating from clarity, not compulsion.

You start making decisions that align with your real values.

You show up more powerfully because you’re not constantly second-guessing.

You recover faster, lead more intuitively, and breathe more deeply—even in the tough seasons.

That’s what we do together inside my 12-week coaching container.

Not a surface-level mindset shift.

A recalibration of your inner system—so your success no longer is driven by pressure.

When Perfectionism Isn’t the Problem (But Something Deeper Is)

Not all perfectionism is destructive.

Some of it is devotion.

A desire to do things with excellence.

To honor what matters.

To create work that reflects care, integrity, and depth.

But here’s where it gets tricky:

When that devotion becomes your identity—your worth, your safety net, your reason for being—

…it’s no longer about the work. It’s about control.

That’s when perfectionism stops being fuel and starts being fire.

That’s when your body tenses at every decision.

That’s when your calendar fills up with obligations that feel like survival, not success.

So is perfectionism always bad? No.

But it is worth questioning when:

• You’re burned out, but still can’t rest

• You feel anxious every time you make a mistake (even a small one)

• You can’t tell the difference between “doing your best” and “not disappointing anyone”

These are signs that something deeper is asking to be seen.

Because underneath the perfectionism is often:

• A loss of self-trust

• A misalignment with your current season of life

• A story you’ve outgrown but haven’t yet rewritten

And that’s where transformation lives—not in fixing yourself, but in finally hearing yourself.

What if you’re not here to be perfect?

What if you’re here to be whole?

You don’t need to just restore your schedule—you need to reclaim your leadership identity from the perfectionism that’s been driving it.

That’s the real work we do inside my coaching container.

If you’re feeling the toll of holding it all together…

If you’re successful on paper but quietly unraveling behind the scenes…

And if you're ready to stop proving and start healing—

👉 Book a free consultation and let’s talk about what it looks like to start again stronger.

Frequently Asked Questions About Perfectionism

Is perfectionism a mental illness?

No, perfectionism itself is not classified as a mental illness. However, it is closely linked to various mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Perfectionism is considered a personality trait characterized by striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, often accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. UPMC HealthBeat 

Can perfectionism be cured?

While perfectionism may not be "cured" in the traditional sense, it can be effectively managed and its impact reduced. Therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have demonstrated effectiveness in treating maladaptive perfectionism by helping individuals recognize and alter perfectionistic thought patterns. www.counseling.org

What therapy works best for perfectionism?

Both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are evidence-based treatments shown to be effective in addressing perfectionism.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is widely regarded as a gold-standard treatment for perfectionism. It focuses on identifying and challenging unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. A randomized controlled trial published in the Behaviour Research and Therapy journal found that CBT significantly reduced clinical perfectionism, with improvements maintained at 8- and 16-week follow-ups. PMC

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT helps individuals accept their thoughts and feelings rather than fighting against them, and commit to actions aligned with their values. A study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy demonstrated that ACT was effective in reducing clinical perfectionism and improving psychological functioning. ScienceDirect

In my coaching practice, I complement therapeutic tools with Human Design and Energy Psychology—because perfectionism isn’t just a mindset pattern, it’s an energetic one. In Human Design, perfectionism often maps to Gate 18, also known as the Gate of Correction.

When distorted by pressure or unresolved fear, this energy drives relentless self-criticism—the kind that erodes confidence even in the most capable leaders. But this same energy/experience, when brought into balance, becomes a gift: the ability to see what needs improvement with discernment, not judgment.

In our work together, we don’t just analyze perfectionism—we repattern it...from shadow to strength...from proving to presence...so you can lead with clarity, integrity, and calm authority—even when everything around you is changing.

How do I stop perfectionism without losing my edge?

Overcoming perfectionism doesn't mean losing your drive for excellence. It's about shifting from a fear-based motivation to a value-driven approach. Strategies include setting realistic goals, practicing self-compassion, embracing mistakes as learning opportunities, and focusing on progress rather than perfection. Mental Health Center Of San Diego